Independence Day (old but still quite funny)
To the citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA andthus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation ofyour independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty QueenElizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she doesnot fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint agovernor for America without the need for further elections. Congressand the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulatednext year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the followingrules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half theletters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you mayelect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simplycan't cope with correct pronunciation.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels. (Look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven wordsinterspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is anunacceptable and inefficient form of communication.2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft knowon your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2ndwill be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England.It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers andtherapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Gunsshould only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist thenyou're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will nolonger be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than avegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry avegetable peeler in public.6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is foryour own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand whatwe mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and youwill start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the sametime, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefitof conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help youunderstand the British sense of humour.7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call Frenchfries are not real chips, and those things you insist on callingpotato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is notactually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will bereferred to as "beer," and European brews of known and acceptedprovenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will bereferred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be soldwithout risk of further confusion.11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors asgood guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors toplay English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt Englishdialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin tohaving one's ears removed with a cheese grater.12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kindof proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enoughwill, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similaritiesto American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest everytwenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body amour like a bunch ofnancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is notreasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game whichis not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are awarethat there is a world beyond your borders, your error isunderstandable.13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of allmonies due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your co-operation.
Paul Fisher ● 7237d0 Comments