Musician Jokes (in Score Order) How do you get two piccolo players to play a perfect unison? Shoot one. What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboists playing a perfect unison. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oboe. Why is playing an English Horn like wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one notices. What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. Why do clarinettists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones. What is "perfect pitch?" When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. What do you call a bass clarinettist with half a brain? Gifted. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune a lawnmower, and the neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, and out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating. How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Dominos Pizza sign off the roof. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-At-A-Glance." What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake. What's the range of a tuba? About twenty yards, if you have a good arm. What's a tuba for? 1-1/2" by 3-1/2." What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig? "Would you like fries with that, sir?" What did the timpanist get on his IQ test? Drool. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines to do that now. "Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? The knock gets faster. How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer? Give him music to read. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings. How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door. Why are a violinist fingers like lighting? They rarely strike the same spot twice. How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving. Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. What do violists use for birth control? Their personalities. How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play. What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato? Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo." Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one. What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto? "Music Minus One." Why are violins smaller than violas? They are really the same size; but the violinists' heads are bigger. What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer. What's the difference between violists and terrorists? Terrorists have sympathizers. How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin. How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write "pp, espressivo" on the music. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the cellists. Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one. One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed. How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians have never been in a Porsche. How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear. How does a soprano change a light bulb? She just holds on and the world revolves around her. How can you tell when a soprano is at your door? She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO. How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't get up that high. If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea. Where is a tenor's resonance? Where his brain should be. What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. What's the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares? What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack. What's the definition of an optimist? A choral director with a mortgage. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? They've had so little use. A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times. Always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it." Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the sound. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? "One, two, three; one, two, three." What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. What's the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager. New bumper sticker seen: "Use an accordion--go to jail!" *************** Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #3: I was a musician. St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen . . . There was this terrible plane crash, and a bunch of people died, and went to heaven, and St. Peter looks at the first guy, and says: (St. Peter) "How much money did you make last year?" (Guy #1) "Oh...about $130,000.00" (Pete) "Hmmmm. Nice income. What did you do for a living?" (Guy) "I was a lawyer." (Pete) "Nice profession. Pass on through the gates, to heaven." The next guy comes up, and St Pete says: (P) "How much did you make last year?" (G) "$66,000.00." (P) "Not bad. What did you do?" (G) "I was a plumber." (P) "Good, hard worker. You may pass on through the gates, to heaven." Third guy goes up to the gate, and St. Peter says to him: (P) "And how much did you make last year?" (G) "Well... I had a pretty bad year. I only made about $2,000.00." (P) "Two thousand, eh? What instrument did you play?" Female guitarist shouting at her husband in a crowded shopping district: "Don't forget, honey, I need a new 'G' string." Musical Definitions Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, eg: "Y'all sang that real good!" Accidentals: Wrong notes. Ad Libitum: A premiere. Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece. Agnus Dei: A woman composer famous for her church music. Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed. Attaca: "Fire at will!" Augmented Fifth: A 36-ounce bottle. Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin. Bravo: Literally, How bold! or What nerve! This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concert goer after a particularly trying performance. Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow. Cadence: 1) The short nickname of a rock group whose full name is Cadence Clearwater Revival. 2) When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. (Final Cadence: when they FORCE you to stop.) Cantus Firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes. Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of pants, eg: "He wears chords." Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds. Clef: 1) If a student cannot sing, he may have an affliction of the palate, called a clef. 2) Something to jump from if you can't sing and you have to teach elementary school. Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it. Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes. Duple Meter: May take any even number of coins. Triple Meter: Only rich people should park by these. Meter Signature: The name of the maid who writes you a ticket when you put an odd number of coins in a duple meter. Conduct: The type of air vents in a prison, especially designed to prevent escape. Could also be installed for effective use in a practice room. Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment. Countertenor: A singing waiter. Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly. Cut Time: When you're going twice as fast as everyone else in the orchestra. Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed. Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord. Dominant: An adjective used to describe the voice of a child who sings off key. Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise self-control. English Horn: Neither English nor a horn, not to be confused with the French Horn, which is German. Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato. Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers. Flat: This is what happens to a tonic if it sits too long in the open air. Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown transversely to confuse the enemy. Form: 1) The shape of a composition. 2) The shape of the musician playing the composition. 3) The people of paper to be filled out in triplicate in order to get enough money from the Arts Council to play the composition. Glissando: 1) The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. 2) A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument. Harmonic Minor: A good music student. Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for definition of accent). Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics. Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing. Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs. Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.) Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at the same time. Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation." Music: A complex organization of sounds, akin to noise and cacophony, which is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. Notes: Small, folded pieces of paper passed by students during music class. Parallel Minor: A music student who is as tall as his instructor. Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves. Piano Subito: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. Pitch: A tossing motion frequently used by orchestral players to hand in music. Piu: A descriptive slang term. Pizzicato: A small Italian pie garnished with cheese, anchovies, etc. Prepatory Beat: A threat made to singers, eg: "Sing or else!" Prima Donna: The soprano who generally dies in the last act of an opera of consumption (or frequently, of over-consumption). Quaver: Beginning violinists. (Semi-Quaver: Intermediate violinists.) Refrain: Don't do it. A refrain is the part of music you'd better not sing. Resolution: An oath frequently made by music teachers, eg: "I'll never use that song again!" Rhythm: A term found frequently in religious songs, eg: "He is rhythm from the dead!" Risoluto: Indicates to orchestra that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do. Rubato: German measles. Sensible: This term is occasionally seen in Italian opera scores, but it obviously is a misnomer. Senza Sordino: A term used to remind the string player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back. Sequence: Small, faceted ornaments sewn to a performer's costume which sparkle in the lights. Sharp: An adjective used to describe another musician whose opinions are in harmony with your own. Slur: As opposed to madam. Supertonic: Schweppes. (Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.) Subdominant: Chief officer aboard a submarine. Suspension: The state one may find his contract in if he opposes the Major Triad (see above for definition.) Syncopation: A condition incurred from lack of roughage in one's diet. Tempo: This is where a headache begins. Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist leaning forward for a page turn. Tonic: Medicinal liquid to be consumed before, during, or after a performance. (Diatonic: This is what happens to some musicians.) Transposition: The act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos. Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure. Triplet: One of three children, born to one mother very closely in time. If a composer uses a lot of triplets he has probably been taking a fertility drug. Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
David Johnson ● 7090d
