Forum Topic

The Elderly.....

More giggles from my cousin in New York......Subject: elderly humor> > A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well> >dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel> >smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after> >image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an> >elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits >along> >side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell> >me, do I come here often?"> >> ><><><><><><><>> >An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.> >He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a >set> >of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly> >gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your> >hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear> >again."> >> >The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit> >around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three >times!"> >> ><><><><><><><>> >Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench> >under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . . "Slim, I'm 83> >years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about >my> >age. How do you feel?"> >> >Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."> >> >"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"> >> >"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.> >> ><><><><><><><>> >An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,> >the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen >were> >talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it> >was really great. I would recommend it very highly."> >> >The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"> >> >The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of> >that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red> >and has thorns."> >> >"Do you mean a rose?"> >> >"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the >kitchen> >and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last> >night?"!> >> ><><><><><><><>> >Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.> >However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly> >gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his> >feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.> >> >After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to> >the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.> >> >"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing> >out of her hospital gown."

Ann S. Allridge ● 7016d23 Comments

You made the right choice Ann!! Laugh while you can, there might come a time when you are unable to laugh - like some of the elderly people I saw in the doctor's office today!

Audrey Walton ● 7007d

Dear Gerry,It seems not everyone agrees with you.......I don't mind jokes about my age group.On one day recently I left two books behind after a committee meeting;  left my handbag at my granddaughter's house after a visit; and forgot where on Dungarvan Quay I had left my car...................ALL ON THE ONE DAY!Now you have a choice:  you become concerned about your 'marbles', or you have a damn good laugh about the situation.  I chose the latter.

Ann S. Allridge ● 7007d

... And laughter makes the world go around - and certainly the ability to laugh at life’s idiosyncrasies.

Sarah Felstead ● 7011d

Lovely joke Ann, but I wish you would stick up for your age group  and not make jokes about them and their difficulties by following the stereotypical person over - what shall we say?  60? 70? 80?  It makes disrespect that much easier, and encourages it!

Lois Westby ● 7011d

Are ya havin' a Bad Day?Well,  then,  consider  this...  In  a  hospital's  Intensive  Care  Unit,  patients  always  died  in the  same  bed,  on  Sunday  morning,  at  about  11:00  a.m., regardless  of  their  medical  condition.This  puzzled  the  doctors  and  some  even  thought  it  had something  to  do  with  the  supernatural.  No  one  could  solve  the mystery  as  to  why  the  deaths  occurred  around  11:00  a.m.  on Sunday,  so  a  worldwide  team  of  experts  was  assembled  toinvestigate  the  cause  of  the  incidents.The  next  Sunday  morning,  a  few  minutes  before  11:00  a.m.,  all of  the  doctors  and  nurses  nervously  waited  outside  the  ward  tosee  for  themselves  what  the  terrible  phenomenon  was  all  about.Some  were  holding  wooden  crosses,  prayer  books,  and  other  holy objects  to  ward  off  the  evil  spirits.Just  when  the  clock  struck  11:00,  Pookie  Johnson,  the  part-time Sunday  sweeper,  entered  the  ward  and  unplugged  the  life  support system  so  he  could  use  the  vacuum  cleaner.Having  a  Bad  Day? The  average  cost  of  rehabilitating  a  seal  after  the  Exxon Valdez  Oil  spill  in  Alaska  was  $ 80,000.00.  At  a  special ceremony,  two  of  the  most  expensively  saved  animals  were  beingreleased  back into  the  wild  amid  cheers  and  applause  from onlookers.A  minute  later,  in  full  view,  a  killer  whale  ate  them  both. Still  think  you  are  having  a  Bad  Day?A  woman  came  home  to  find  her  husband  in  the  kitchen  shaking frantically,  almost  in  a  dancing  frenzy,  with  some  kind  of wire  running  from  his  waist  towards  the  electric  kettle.Intending  to  jolt  him  away  from  the  deadly  current,  she whacked  him  with  a  handy  plank  of  wood,  breaking  his  arm  in two  places.  Up  to  that  moment,  he  had  been  happily  listening to  his  Walkman.STILL  think  you're  having  a  Bad  Day?Two  animal  rights  defenders  were  protesting  the  cruelty  of sending  pigs  to  a  slaughterhouse  in  Bonn,  Germany.  Suddenly, all  two  thousand  pigs  broke  loose  and  escaped  through  a  brokenfence,  stampeding  madly.The  two  helpless  protesters  were  trampled  to  death.What??  STILL  having  a  Bad  Day?Iraqi  terrorist  Khay  Rahnajet  didn't  pay  enough  postage  on  a letter  bomb.  It  came  back  with  "Return  to  Sender"  stamped  on it.  Forgetting  it  was  the  bomb,  he  opened  it  and  was  blown to  bits.

Audrey Walton ● 7014d

You sound like a real charmer....lighten up and give good manners a chance,why don't you?Some people seem to take things SO SERIOUSLY.This started off as an amusing thread,now hijacked by cynicism and rudeness.And before you ask,no,I am not affiliated in any way to any political party.

Keith Iddon ● 7015d

  I'm off back to the trench........

Ann S. Allridge ● 7015d

Thank you Ann for your Kind Remarks.Im just a Bunny Rabbet really...........................,,,,¬                       

Hugh Telford ● 7015d

I'm afraid my pedigree doesn't go as far back as the Local Government reorganisation but I have lived nearly all my adult life in West London.Others have spotted that 'Nanette' is seeking to deceive us. I have never tried to dictate who should or shouldn't be allowed to post here. I don't live in Brentford myself so that would be preposterous. Jim Lawes epitomises to me the way these boards should be used and his absence would be disaterous.The points I was trying to make was that there was a danger local residents would be put off by the number of political posts not directly related to the Brentford area made by a small group with a uniform point of view. In addition, that same group of people have purchased the domains that might be used to launch other sites in the borough. Phil Andrews has said that he might be willing to release them given certain assurances but I think 'Nanette's' view is probably closer to the reality.If you don't agree with me that is fair enough but before condemning me please take the trouble to read first hand what I have actually written.

Justin Harris ● 7015d

Ann, could you explain exactly what it is I have said to upset you?

Dan Evans ● 7015d

Very funny, Hugh!I should have included your name in my list of nice people on my "Isleworth TW7 tirade".....I was bound to leave a few names out, but thanks always for your pictures, postings, etc.

Ann S. Allridge ● 7015d

Nanette,only this morning did I read the Isleworth TW7 thread, and I am still shaking with surprise and annoyance.Please note my posting of a few moments ago.I don't know who Messrs. Corcoran and Evans are, but I wonder if their pedigree stretches far back in the Old Boroughs?To answer your query about my 'being allowed'....they know what they can bl---y well do!

Ann S. Allridge ● 7015d

Enough already Hugh!! Poor Gal, scared to death.

Audrey Walton ● 7015d

Chair Lift Anybody??...                         

Hugh Telford ● 7015d

Thank you Ann for a Good Laugh,thats been hard lately...                           

Hugh Telford ● 7015d

Excellent Ann!

Audrey Walton ● 7016d

They say that when you're young you take loads of drugs to get out of your mind and when you're old you take loads more to try to get back in again...;-)

Keith Iddon ● 7016d

The laughable thing is that you accuse other people of ganging up. You've really showed your true colours over the last few days haven't you? You've played your cards well over the last few months but you are now out in the open. Shows the ICG was right to hold on to the tw7 address after all, they could obviously see what was going to happen. Clever move I say.

Account suspended ● 7016d

Ah its the other one. Really flushing you out now aren't I? Where's Paul? "There were three in a bed and the little one said......"You are a bunch of gutless individuals aren't you? Dan Evans is the worst, a right little coward, won't defend his position out in the open like other people.

Account suspended ● 7016d

When did you have the op George?

Andy Jones ● 7016d

Dan, I thought you were opposed to people who jump to conclusions about the authenticity of other posters? Hypocrite, as I thought, now playing the old divide and rule game.  You might think you've had a result over the last few days but be advised, some people aren't as soft or as easily bullied as you might think and they will be back with a bang at a time of their choosing because they have got more brains and more courage than you will ever have.  You've been rumbled pal, are you Alan Sheerins himself or just his bag man?

Account suspended ● 7016d

Is that you George? I do hope your snide comments don't give Jim the slightest impression that I think he is any thing other than a welcome and valued contributor. I would certainly not include him amongst the gang of dreary and negative politicos who tend to blight this forum. Whilst you are on, do you know the current composition of the ICG committee?

Dan Evans ● 7016d

Loved your elderly Jokes Ann - they're the best old people jokes I've read in a long time. Thanks for posting 'em. ;-)

Gerry Tan ● 7016d

excellent post, but have you checked with Messrs Corcoran and Evans that you are still allowed to post here Ann?  After Jim Lawes and other people been driven off, who knows any more?

Account suspended ● 7016d