The Flood
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah (who was now living in the London borough of Hounslow) and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "Lo! You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah Weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "It turns out that I need planning permission.""I've been negotiating with Trinity House about the quantity and size lifeboats and we've had all sorts of other issues thrown at us by the Maritime safety board." "My neighbours claim that I've violated the Council planning laws by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to enter a formal application to the Council Planning dept. for a decision which has gone to committee for debate.""Then the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea and the Council jumped in and said I couldn’t move any Ark which was over 16 feet due to the damage I might do to the trees. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.""Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" "And when I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They charged me with confining wild animals against their will. The Court gave me an ASBO" “Then the EU inspector told me the accommodations were too restrictive and contravened European law, and that unless I was French it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space”"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood!""I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and I waiting for Immigration to check the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."The Unions insist I can’t use my sons – they say I can only employ Union registered workers with Ark-building experience."“The Coastguard insist I file my intended course with them and to make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally."“Health and safety won’t even let me start on the Ark until I’ve been on a flood awareness course so, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark. ""Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Oh Lord, you mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," sayeth the Lord. That Bastard Gordon Brown and his Government have beaten me to it."
Harley Buckner ● 6429d2 Comments